2014 NFL Rule Changes

February 17, 2014

In light of the 2014 season possibly being the first in NFL history to host an openly gay player with Michael Sam entering the draft, the league has made a few changes to the rulebook among other things.

The first change of note is the replacement of a coin to decide which team will elect to receive or kick off, an actual animal head and animal tail will be used in the toss. The animal will be slaughtered moments before the “toss” for all viewers to see in order to stop all, in the words of Commissioner Roger Goodell “make sure there aren’t any pussies watching at home”.
 
Additionally the league has finally given in to changing the name of Washington Redskins to something less inflammatory. They will now be known as the Aryans. The NFL also released a few of the names in the running to be the new name that were turned down. Those names included: “the Wife Beaters”, “the Commie Bashers” and “Domestic Abuse”. The league settled on “the Aryans” saying in a statement “the name resembles the kind of manliness the league would like to promote”.
 
There were also several rule changes that will effect play of game. Foremost among the list is the new definition of down. A player will no longer be deemed down unless the player is considered concussed. When asked about the safety of the players, the league commented that this game is “not for pussies and the rules now reflect that.”
 
Other rule changes will have an affect on the players lives off the field as well. One of the biggest changes is that players are no longer allowed to be married. Any player that is married at the start of the season must file for divorce in order for his team to be eligible for the playoffs. When asked for further comment about what marriage could possibly have to do with the game of football, Goodell said “[marriage has] gotten a lot gayer lately. We want to distance ourselves from gay shit”.
 
Rule changes worth mentioning include a name change of the position of “tight end” to “vehicular manslaughter”, linebackers will be called “obstruction of justice”, and quarterbacks will be called “rapists”.
 
Lastly, the maximum allowable length of players cleats will be increased from 3/4 of inch to 4/5 of an inch.
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